There is a no rule that says you have to be perfect right out the gate, such as on the first day of school or work or trying a new exercise or project or undertaking.
But sometimes our critics – both self-imposed and external – will tell us we don’t have the right to a natural learning curve.
As 2020 starts, I want to remind us all that if you care and you’re trying, you don’t have to be perfect for it to mean something. For it to be worthwhile. For YOU to be worthwhile.
Reminding ourselves that we don’t have to be perfect – in fact, even giving ourselves “permission to suck” as the author John Green says, can be incredibly life-giving and liberating. If you’re sucking at something, at least you’re doing something.
Take some time to notice your perfectionistic thoughts and tell yourself you’re “good enough” as you are. Distance yourself from people in your life who don’t understand that learning and growing doesn’t happen in a straight, perfect line. You don’t need that toxicity.
Surround yourself with support, love and compassion.
I recently wrote about all or nothing thinking (also known as “black or white thinking”), and the negative impact that rigid, inflexible thought patterns can have on a person’s well-being.
In the aforementioned blog post, I discussed mindfulness as a powerful, key tool for challenging these types of distorted thoughts. In short: by using mindfulness, we can become more aware of distorted thinking patterns as they occur. A mindfulness foundation sets the stage for your success, because as G.I. Joe says: “Knowing is half the battle.” You can’t start to challenge or change something you aren’t aware of.
Today I want to share another tool for building your flexible thinking muscles that you can start putting into practice right this minute. It’s simple, really:
Use “and” instead of “but”
This is a technique I learned from an amazing CBT rock star therapist during my graduate training. He loved this approach so much, he almost never used the word “but” in conversation. In the years since , I have also put this into practice, in both my written and verbal communications.
Integrating “and” into your mental vocabulary instead of “but” can help to cultivate a more flexible approach to your thoughts and feelings. It reminds us that things that seem incompatible can exist and be true at the same time. They can both be valid instead of one cancelling out the other.
You can practice this approach in your self-talk, as you notice all or nothing thinking occurring, and even in your verbal or written exchanges.
Let’s put it into action with an example:
“I’m a really hard worker and devoted to my job…but I didn’t get a promotion” versus: “I’m a really hard worker and devoted to my job…and I didn’t get a promotion.”
Does one feel different from the other? Even though two “truths” can appear to exist in opposition, they are capable of co-existing.
Some more examples:
“I love my mother so much…but she drives me crazy.”
“I love my mother so much…and she drives me crazy.”
“I worked so hard to make that project a success, but it didn’t happen.”
“I worked so hard to make that project a success, and it didn’t happen.”
“You cleaned the kitchen, but you didn’t mop the floor.”
“You cleaned the kitchen, and you didn’t mop the floor.”
“My partner is loving and kind, but it’s hard for me when he’s socially awkward.”
“My partner is loving and kind, and it’s hard for me when he’s socially awkward.”
“Having a dog is great, but I hate having to clean up after it.”
“Having a dog is great, and I hate having to clean up after it.”
“I had a pretty good day today, but my depression hasn’t gone away.”
“I had a pretty good day today, and my depression hasn’t gone away.”
It might feel a bit awkward or strange to try this exercise…AND you should stick with it for a bit to find out how it goes (see what I did there?).
Remember that your brain is neuroplastic, meaning that it can change. By using this simple, easy-to-practice exercise, you can begin rewiring your brain to adapt a more flexible thinking style. Start today and see what happens!
If you’ve been using mindfulness to become more aware of your moment-to-moment, day-to-day thoughts, I doff my hat to you! You are setting yourself for success, and for changing your brain! (Isn’t that amazing?)
And if you haven’t started a mindfulness practice yet, download my free, guided audio meditation. It’s perfect for beginners and will guide you through all the steps of mindfulness mediation:
Lots of people feel down or angst-ridden during the holiday season, and many will say that this malaise stems not from too much fruitcake consumption (surprisingly), but from our expectations – of ourselves, others, and the holidays themselves. The fact that society and the media constantly inundates us with unhealthy messages regarding how we should feel, behave or spend time during the holidays doesn’t help.
A few weeks ago, I wrote about the damage caused by All or Nothing thinking, a type of cognitive distortion that involves seeing things in absolute (ex: perfect or horrible, success or failure, always or never) terms.
Since then, I’ve come to notice that there’s a lot of cultural all-or-nothing thinking involved in the holiday narrative as well:
You’re either the Merry Whos of Whoville, or The Grinch.
You’re either Nephew Fred, or Ebenezer Scrooge.
You’re either gallivanting through the snow-lined streets dressed like an elf, handing out candy canes and holiday cheer with reckless abandon, or joining Oscar the Grouch in a chorus of “I Hate Christmas.”
You either love the holidays, or you despise them.
If you are reading this and feeling the strain of all or nothing holiday expectations (self-imposed or otherwise), I challenge you to try something different this year:
I challenge you to take a “good enough” approach.
Psychoanalyst D.W. Winnicott coined the concept of the “good enough (parent)” in 1953. Winnicott, through observation of thousands of mothers and their children/babies, recognized that a “good enough” parent, by failing to adapt to every need of their child, actually helps the child to adapt to the realities of their external environment.
A “good enough” parent will not, for example, try to be perfect themselves, and in turn not expect their child to be perfect. They are realistic – instead of projecting idealized fantasies onto themselves as parents or their child, they work to understand and respect their child for who they are. A “good enough” parent will provide an amount of help or support needed, but won’t overindulge the child, and they are mindful of the child’s experience of childhood instead of over-focusing on the child’s future as an adult.
The “good enough” approach benefits the child in allowing them to be seen for their true selves, develop skills for adaptation and survival, and hold realistic expectations for themselves, others and the world.
Winnicott’s “good enough” parent concept can, I believe, also be applied to other areas of life: The “good enough” partner, neighbor, employee, adult child, friend, sister. The “good enough” high school orchestra performance, project presentation, report card, slice of pizza, performance review, art project.
The “good enough” holidays?
So how can you adapt Winnicott’s “good enough” approach to let yourself off the unrealistic expectation hook this holiday season?
Don’t expect things to be perfect, or even try to make them so. I know for some of us recovering perfectionists, this will be a challenge, but it gets easier with practice and exposure. “Good enough” is the new name of the game, and it’s better than being perfect. Perfect is setting yourself up for failure, disappointment and, at the very least, exhaustion. “Good enough” is about being authentic, kind to yourself, attuned to your true needs, and practicing compassion.
Focus on what YOU want to get out of the holidays, and on what you can control. Instead of aspiring to live out some Hallmark Channel fairy tale (no hate to Hallmark movies, by the way), maybe what matters to you personally is getting to talk to a few friends and family members, relaxing with a favorite book or show, eating some yummy food, volunteering for a few hours, or making one person smile. Reflect on what will make your holiday feel meaningful and reject the notion that things need to look, be, or feel a specific way.
Practice mindfulness. I’ve written about mindfulness many times on this blog, and it keeps coming up because it’s an amazing tool that can be applied in any situation. Mindfulness is the practice of waking up to the present moment and allowing it to exist as it is with non-judgment and acceptance.
It is NOT about trying to fight with or change your feelings or thoughts.
Don’t try to turn off the anxiety you feel when you think about wanting to get your dad the absolute perfect gift for Kwanzaa – be mindful of the feelings and practice accepting them. Don’t attempt to shut down the longing you feel for your family to get along at Hanukkah, even though they never do – feel the feelings and acknowledge that it’s hard when things aren’t the way you hoped they would be. Don’t try to jolly yourself out of feeling lonely because you don’t have a romantic partner to share Christmas with – let yourself feel everything that comes up, with gentle self-compassion.
In the end, choosing to have a “good enough” holiday season takes courage. It requires you to go against the grain of all the societal messaging, the dysfunctional consumerism, the perfectionism, “shoulds” and noise to instead carve out your own path and create your own traditions, based on your values and needs. It may feel scary and unfamiliar to do this at first, but the result could be a memory you end up treasuring for many holiday seasons to come.
Happy “good enough” holidays!
If you are having a really hard time and/or having thoughts of hurting yourself, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. They are available to talk to you 24/7. Even during the holidays.
At the end of yoga class last week, as we were all transitioning to Savasana (also known as Corpse Pose, the part of class in which you lie down and allow yourself to rest and relax after a period of self-exertion) our teacher said to us:
“Savasana is one of the hardest exercises we do in this class.”
My immediate thought was: “Are you kidding me?” After an hour of pretzel poses and burning muscles, dripping sweat and digging deep down for strength I didn’t know if I had or not… lying down on my back, closing my eyes, and allowing myself to rest and breathe is one of the hardest exercises we do in this class?
Our teacher continued:
“Savasana is where we send a physical and chemical message to our bodies to repair. It’s where we set ourselves up for success in the real world, after we leave this room.”
Of course, I knew what she really meant, which is that getting yourself to relax…is a challenge. Especially if you live a lifestyle that is over-scheduled, over-booked, always go-go-go, have a nervous system that is chronically blown out, and no matter how much you do, it never feels like enough.
We all know that relaxation and restoration are integral to setting ourselves up for success in so many different ways, but I don’t think I’m alone when I say that sometimes I feel like I have forgotten how to relax, to rest, to just be. Even when I’m “resting” I’m fighting the constant urge to “do something productive.” Even when I’m “relaxing” my mind is racing with ideas, meetings, tasks, social media, imaginary conversations, problems, hopes and fears.
For many of us living in the busy world of 2019, we have to learn (and relearn) how give ourselves both physical and mental rests in order to continue on.
If this is you, and you feel ready to find another way of being in the world and with yourself, I want to share a free audio mindfulness mediation that you can use today to begin your personal restoration journey. It’s free, it’s eight minutes long, and if you can commit to practicing it at least three times this week (that’s less than half an hour), you will be on your way to showing up differently to your life.
PS: I made this meditation myself, and people have told me I have a “very soothing voice” 🙂
In sharing this meditation with you, my hope is that it helps guide you to a place and practice of repair, rest and recuperation – so you can set yourself up for success in all the ways that matter most to you.
With me it's all er nuthin' Is it all er nuthin' with you? It cain't be "in between" It cain't be "now and then" No half and half romance will do! - Lyrics by Richard Rodgers, from the musical Oklahoma!
When I was in the sixth grade, my class staged a production of the musical Oklahoma!
It’s amazing the things that stick with you when you learn them at a young age. 23 years later, I still remember (basically) all the lyrics from the show.
Which brings me to this week’s blog post on All or Nothing thinking, a type of cognitive distortion that you NEED to know about. There’s a song in Oklahoma! called All ‘er Nuthin’ (see above), which – of course – inspired the yee-haw theme of today’s post. So if you’re thirstin’ for all the knowledge, read on, cowgirl!
Are you a person who struggles with all or nothing thinking? (Also known as black or white thinking.)
All or nothing thinking is a type of cognitive distortion, occurring in our automatic thoughts. It involves seeing things in absolute terms. When engaging with all or nothing thinking, the words “always” and “never” are common.
Some Oklahoma!-esque examples:
“I’m always so awkward at these box socials, and everyone kin see it!”
“My partner and I gotta be in sync 100 percent of the time, otherwise, we ain’t meant to be gettin’ hitched!”
It’s not abnormal to experience all or nothing distortions in our thoughts. In fact, some of you reading this right now may be thinking:
“Yikes! I do this! Like, ALL (or nothing) the time!”
If this is you, fear not. If the light bulb just went off in your brain, if something just clicked, you’re in the right place.
I want to give you access to one of the most important, powerful tools for addressing all or nothing thinking there is. You might say this is Strategy #1. And that strategy, is (drum roll)…
What is mindfulness? Contrary to what some have been led to believe, mindfulness is not about is not about “wiping out” negative thoughts, “clearing” or “emptying” your mind. Instead, mindfulness is about waking up to the present moment and allowing it to exist as it is with non-judgment and acceptance.
But right now, consider this: If you aren’t aware of your automatic thoughts, you cannot challenge them. Which is why the foundational mindfulness piece is oh-so important. Using this tool, you will begin to notice and identify all or nothing thinking as it arises in the wild west of your brain.
If you’re new to the mindfulness rodeo, starting with a guided audio mindfulness meditation is an ideal place for you to start.
2020 is less than a month away! With the end of the year (and decade) comes new chapters, new beginnings, as well as evaluations and reflections on the past six months (or “half” as they say in the tech world) at work.
Performance reviews are a special season unto themselves, and they can create quite a bit of discomfort, angst and panic for those forced to endure them.
Women in the male-dominated tech industry tend to feel additional pressure in these scenarios. Many women in tech I have worked with have expressed frustrations with how they have been reviewed, the specific areas of their performance that their supervisors and/or peers have chosen to critique, being passed over for raises or promotions, or receiving what they perceive to be irrelevant or unhelpful feedback. Some have felt that racism, sexism and unchecked privilege have bled into their performance reviews.
For these reasons, I have put together some guidelines designed specifically for women in tech to assist in managing and conquering the performance review process.
#1 Set a Clear Intention
It may be tempting to avoid thinking about your performance review and plan to just wing it, but it doesn’t take much time or energy to reflect on what you want to get out of this experience.
What are your hopes and the areas you want to focus on? Do you have something you want to communicate? Are you wanting to be awarded a promotion or a raise? Do you want feedback about a specific area in your role? Do you want to just focus on listening with an open mind? How, specifically, are you going to ask for what you want or act on your intention?
A few minutes of reflection and setting an intention for the review can help you feel more grounded, confident and prepared.
#2 Don’t Be Afraid to Ask Questions
Knowledge is power and the unknown tends to create a lot of anticipation. If this, for instance, is your first review at a new company and you aren’t sure about the process, what the format of the meeting will actually look like, or if you need to prepare anything specific beforehand…just ask. It will make you look responsible and attentive. Plus, knowing what to expect can help to quell some of your anticipatory anxiety.
This tip also applies to the actual review. If you receive some generic or vague feedback that makes you scratch your head, remain gracious and composed and ask for clarification.
Example: “You mentioned you want to see me take more initiative. In what specific ways?” “You said that you want me to play a role in expanding the team. In your mind, what are some of the actionable steps I should be taking to bring that to fruition?”
#3Protect Yourself Via Documentation
This step might not feel necessary for everyone, but we have a saying in the psych field: “If you didn’t record it, it didn’t happen.” If someone says something off-color, document it. If someone gives you feedback that doesn’t add up, even after following guideline #2, document it. In fact, if your gut is telling you that you need to document your entire performance review, do it.
Of course, always ask for and obtain permission beforehand (ideally via writing; perhaps over email) to take notes or audio record (review this guide for the latter) your meeting. You can simply say that you want to document the meeting so you don’t “miss any important information or feedback shared.” And if your request for documentation is denied, document that.
#4 Practice Concise But Informative Review-Writing
Tech workers have the added pressure of having to review (in many cases) their peers as well as themselves and their supervisors. For some, it’s basically like taking on a second job.
You may have a boss that just loves lengthy prose, in which case, if you feel inclined to write a novella in your performance reviews, go to town.
That said, we are living in 2019, and brevity is generally the preferred order of the day. People want their info quickly, clearly, and eloquently stated. So unless otherwise indicated, don’t feel you have to knock yourself out writing long, meticulous performance reviews. After all, you will be writing quite a few and your time is a limited resource. Come up with a few key points you’d like to communicate and figure out how to directly state your case in three to five sentences for each. Remember that a short, direct message (or “sound byte”) is more likely to be remembered than paragraphs upon paragraphs, anyway.
Catastrophizing that your performance review will result in your getting fired on the spot, forcing you to move back home to Virginia and live with your parents for the rest of your life? Personalizing a comment a coworker made about how you’re not enough of a “go-getter”? All or nothing thinking making you feel like a total failure for getting a few pieces of constructive criticism?
Thought records can help you put these thoughts into perspective, before and after your review occurs. Check out my posts on how to use them here and here.
#6Ramp Up Your Self-Care Practices
I know I sound like a broken record, but if your performance review anxiety is, say, making it hard to get enough sleep, causing you panic attacks, or just weighing you down emotionally more than you’d like, there isn’t any harm in increasing your self-care practices for a temporary period of time.
Exercise, mindfulness meditation, cutting down on caffeine or sugar, eating regular meals, spending extra time with your friends, partner, or pets, whatever it looks like…why not acknowledge that this is a challenging time and take extra good care of yourself? Come up with a daily self-care plan, put it on your calendar, and stick to it. You can plan extra self-care for the week leading up to the review as well as afterwards if you like.
#7Plan & Practice Your Go-To Response
Even though I was a psych major, I took a lot of creative writing courses in college. Whenever it was time for the entire class to critique my stories, I’d get nervous. Everyone was always really nice and supportive, but, like performance reviews, getting feedback on your work is an inherently uncomfortable process. One thing that helped me was to plan and practice my go-to response ahead of time.
If you’re a Frasier fan (as I am, but that’s another blog post), you may remember the episode where Martin goes on Antiques Roadshow with a bear clock he inherited. He tells his sons, Frasier and Niles, that no matter what the antiques expert tells him about the clock, he plans to reply with: “That’s pretty much what I figured.”
You may find it helpful to come up with a go-to catchphrase of your own. Something agreeable and gracious that acknowledges what the person has said and conveys that you are going to respectfully reflect on the feedback they’ve offered. After all, there’s no rule that says you have to have a quick rebuttal to everything someone says on the spot. Taking time to reflect and absorb shows thoughtfulness and self-possession.
#8 Remember that a Lot of the Time, People Just Need to Write Something
Whether it’s writing a performance review or a college paper, we’ve all had the experience of needing to just figure out something to write and not always knowing what that looks like. Add to this the fact that performance reviews are engineered to elicit constructive criticism, and the truth is that sometimes you wind up with feedback that…doesn’t feel all that meaningful.
I’m not saying you should automatically disregard criticism if you disagree with it, but if you’re getting feedback that seems totally out of left field and the person giving it isn’t even all that familiar with you or your work, consider the possibility that…they just had to write something.
Use guideline #2 to gain as much clarity as you can, be honest with yourself, and try not to over-personalize feedback that may not be all that personal.
#9Discuss Your Anxieties With a Supportive Person
It helps to have a friend, family member, mentor, partner, therapist or other support person you can talk to about your upcoming performance review anxiety. Choose someone who is non-judgemental, empathetic and encouraging, someone you feel safe being emotionally vulnerable with. Let them know that your upcoming review is causing you anxiety and why. Sometimes, just sharing your feelings with someone else can be comforting and remind you that you aren’t alone. If setting up a post-review debrief with them will help you feel more secure, you can ask to schedule a check-in with them. Be sure to return the favor, let them know how much you appreciate their support and always be considerate of their time.
#10 Trust Yourself to Handle Whatever Happens
Remember that whatever happens in your performance review, you will be okay. Things might not go the way you planned or wanted them to. You might not get the promotion you feel you deserved. You may feel unfairly judged or critiqued. Or, you may come out of your review feeling relieved and flattered.
You are a strong person, and you will handle whatever happens, when it happens. Take a wait and see approach and remind yourself that you have responded to difficult or challenging situations in the past, and you are fully capable of doing this now.
In many ways, the performance review is an exercise in rolling with the punches, and learning how to handle and respond to whatever feedback comes your way while maintaining composure and a can-do attitude. It reminds me of this quote by mindfulness guru Jon Kabat-Zinn:
“You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.”
What are your strategies for managing performance reviews? Please share your thoughts in the comments below.
The holidays are approaching and we all know what that means! Holiday work parties!
For many, it’s a time to eat, drink and be merry with reckless abandon. For those with social anxiety, it’s a blight on the calendar, a “do I really have to?” and “maybe I just won’t go?” cringe-fest.
As someone who struggles with social anxiety myself, I have had my share of dreading holiday work parties.
I’ve also gone to a number of them over the years, and I’ve never regretted going…after the fact.
I once had a friend tell me: “Make yourself go out. You’ll never regret having done something as opposed to skipping it.” I tend to agree with this philosophy. Office holiday parties can, under the right circumstances, be fun and a great way to socialize with your coworkers.
But it’s not always east getting getting yourself there. So in today’s post, I’m going to share six effective strategies for surviving the holiday work party when you have social anxiety.
Pick a friend, a coworker you get along with, or invite an outside guest if you’re allowed to do so. If you’d like, you can let this person know ahead of time that you feel a little awkward in social settings and would appreciate their support during the event. Maybe you’ll find someone who also feels ill at ease in these scenarios, an you can be each other’s wing-person. You can set up a plan to check in with one another periodically, or if you want to do the same activities during the party, plan to do them together. You might be surprised to learn how many other people feel awkward at these kinds of professional/social events and would love to have you in their corner as well.
Decide What Will Be Fun For You
And then do it. It helps to know ahead of time what types of activities will be offered at the gathering. I’ve gone to holiday work parties with everything from karaoke, to buffets, to photo booths, to raffles, to acrobatic performances, to casino games, and more. You know yourself best and you know what types of activities you find the most enjoyable. It’s important for you to get something positive out of this party, too, so make sure you do the things that will be fun for you.
Choose a Social Anxiety Goal to Work On
Knowing you have social anxiety is half the battle. Don’t beat yourself up about it or wish you were different. Be compassionate with yourself, but also figure out beforehand how you can stretch yourself a little outside your comfort zone during this event. Doing this will give you a sense of accomplishment and will also help you grow, possibly paving the way for decreased social discomfort in the future. Set your goal ahead of time and then knock it out. Maybe your goal will be to start a conversation with three new people. Maybe you want to practice sitting with the discomfort of natural silence in a conversation. Or maybe you want to get up and sing karaoke in front of all your colleagues. If it’s the last option, are you sure you actually have social anxiety? (Just kidding.)
Don’t Drink to AvoidYour Discomfort
There is nothing wrong, of course, with enjoying some spirits during the holidays. If you have social anxiety, however, you may feel tempted to overindulge in an attempt to numb or reduce your nerves. This can easily backfire, as I’m sure many of us can attest to. CBT therapists have a saying: “Avoid avoidance.” Drinking to to simply enjoy the moment is different from drinking to avoid your uncomfortable emotions. Keep this in mind and if you sense that you want to sip on some bubbly to escape how you’re feeling, try replacing this with a more positive coping skill, such as mindfulness, taking a short break from socializing, or talking to a supportive friend.
Know Your Asparagus Breaking Point
My friend (who also happens to be a therapist) introduced me to this one and I love it. She’s an introvert, and unashamed of the fact that for her, social interactions feel more draining than energizing.
So what is an “Asparagus Breaking Point”? Imagine holding a bundle of raw asparagus in both hands, then twisting your hands to break the bundle in half. The asparagus will flex and give up to a certain point, and then it will snap in half. Your Asparagus Breaking Point will be unique to you. It is the point at which you know you have reached your limit and need to start saying your goodbyes and grabbing your coat.
Each person has unique warning signs that tell them they’re approaching their Asparagus Breaking Point. Maybe you’ll start to feel a little punch-drunk, or irritable, shaky or burned out. Maybe you’ve made the rounds and now feel totally exhausted. Know how to tell when your Asparagus Breaking Point is approaching, and honor it.
**Extra note: If you think you might use the Asparagus Breaking Point as an excuse to cut out of the festivities super early (i.e. avoidance), set a minimum time-spent-at-party goal for yourself (an hour, two hours, etc.) and don’t allow yourself to leave before then.
Plan a Recharge Afterwards
So you’ve survived the holiday work party. Not only did you maybe have some…fun? But you also stretched outside of your comfort zone, talked to some new people and (hopefully) enjoyed some delicious free food. Now it’s time to pat yourself on the back with a recharge reward. For you, it may look like going home and spending the rest of the evening with your cats (no judgement). Or listening to your favorite music, watching a show you love, picking up dessert on the way home. Make sure you treat yourself to something nice and give yourself a chance to recharge and recover…before the next big holiday bash.
What are your favorite tips for navigating office holiday parties? Share in the comments below.
But what about the CONTEXT? The context being your anxious brain. Your depressed brain. Your socially phobic brain. The same brain you’ve been living with your entire life?
So I say: think of thought records as a “two-punch” process. The first punch is challenging the content, the second punch is acknowledging the context.
If arguing against the CONTENT of a distorted thought helps you feel better right away (and to be fair, sometimes it does), that’s great.
But if a distorted thought is still feeling true, real, scary, urgent, sticky – as is the case for MANY of us – after completing a thought record…
Then it’s time for part two: to acknowledge the CONTEXT of these thoughts.
You may want to say something like this to yourself:
“Remember, (insert your name here), I have a brain that tends to run anxious/depressed/(insert your description here). Because of this, my brain is of course going to loop this thought and tell me it’s really important/valid/urgent. This doesn’t mean, however, that I have to ACT as thought these thoughts are true or meaningful. I can choose my behaviors, and choose to see these thoughts within the context of how my brain is happens to be engineered. I will not try to run from these thoughts or the feelings they create. Instead, I will sit with them using mindfulness until they pass. They will pass eventually.”
Learning how to directly challenge automatic, distorted thoughts is a powerful tool, and one that takes practice. But people often get stuck at this point because they find it hard to simply believe another thought, even if logically, it makes sense to do so. Then, they feel like they are failing at challenging their thoughts, on top of experiencing all the feelings caused by the distorted thoughts themselves!
It’s understandable to have trouble immediately believing and emotionally buying into an alternative thought. So cut yourself some slack and acknowledge the context, while committing to sitting with the thoughts and feelings that arise WITHOUT acting on them.
By doing this, you are building a new muscle that says I can have these thoughts and feelings, but they don’t have the power to control my behaviors. This is extremely powerful, because if you engage in behaviors influenced by distorted thoughts and feelings, you will reinforce said thoughts and feelings.
What I just said is a really important concept, so I’m going to repeat it: If you engage in behaviors influenced by distorted thoughts and feelings, you will reinforce said thoughts and feelings.
A thought record is a major tool in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) that guides us, step by step, through the process of challenging distorted, automatic thoughts.
If you’ve been following my recent blog posts, you’ll know that in order to even recognize automatic thoughts as they’re occurring, you first need to practice mindfulness.
You’ll also know that in order break down the distorted thinking patterns within automatic thoughts, you need a basic understanding of cognitive distortions.
Your success in using thought records to challenge distorted, automatic thoughts relies heavily on a strong foundation of mindfulness and understanding cognitive distortions, so if you haven’t read my previous blog posts on these topics, click here, here and here to review them now, BEFORE moving on to today’s post on thought records.
Now for the good stuff! Identify which cognitive distortions are present in these automatic thoughts, and write them down in the Cognitive Distortions column. You may want to refer to the List of Cognitive Distortions to guide you thought this step. For example:
“I’m a failure” = labeling, all or nothing thinking, magnification
“I’m going to get fired” = fortune telling, catastrophizing
“They regret hiring me” = mind reading
Next, you will come up with alternative thoughts to counter and challenge your automatic ones. For people who have a hard time talking to themselves in a nice voice, try to imagine what your best friend or Mister Rogers would say. Alternatively (see what I did there?), you can work from the basis of the cognitive distortions you’ve just identified. Write these in the Alternative Thought column. For example:
“I’m a failure” = Just because I didn’t do so great on one performance review doesn’t mean I’m an failure. It’s not fair to label me as a failure when I have achieved many things and worked hard (maybe citing some examples). It’s just one performance review and there is always room for improvement. In fact, the whole point of these reviews is not for everyone to tell me I’m perfect, but to provide constructive feedback. I’m learning and growing and sometimes there a bumps in the road, but this doesn’t define me.
“I’m going to get fired” = No one said anything about getting fired. Aside from this review, I haven’t received any serious complaints. I can’t predict what will happen in the future, but I have no strong evidence right now to suggest that I will for certain be fired. And if someday I am fired from a job, I will deal with the situation then.
“They regret hiring me” = Did my supervisor specifically say or write this in my review? If not, I cannot presume to know for certain that this is what they are thinking. I cannot read minds (though I’d like to), so I’m not going to automatically assume the most hurtful conclusion without some solid evidence to back it up.
In the final column, Feeling Reappraisal, write any feelings you have in response to these alternative thoughts. If you are still experiencing some of the same feelings you did before, you can write them again, re-ranking their current intensity level. For example:
It is alright if your feelings do not go away completely after finishing a thought record. Look for some change, even a tiny one, and make sure to acknowledge it.
The purpose of thought records and mindfulness is not to erase all negative thoughts from your brain, but to learn how to more easily recognize them when they occur, identify your “favorite” cognitive distortions, and be able to challenge these thoughts with more objective, compassionate ones.
As with everything, practice makes perfect. Sign up for my free Automatic Thought Record template and try to complete at least one thought record a day this week. Let me know how it’s going for you in the comments below!
Sorry, Elliott Smith. I’ve been a huge fan of yours for ages, but in this post I’m going to talk about how our distorted thoughts make us anything but free.
In last week’s post, I introduced the concept of automatic thoughts and explained the CBT principle that our thoughts lead to emotions, and emotions lead to behaviors.
Today, I’m going to discuss cognitive distortions. Cognitive distortions are irrational, distorted thinking patterns that are often found in automatic thoughts. Just like automatic thoughts, we all have them, and sometimes to an adaptive degree, but when cognitive distortions are extreme, they can cause us more harm that benefit.
There are many kinds of cognitive distortions, but here are the top ones I tend to see in the people I work with.
Take a gander and, as I tell my clients when I give them this list, highlight your personal favorites:
All or Nothing Thinking: Also known as black or white thinking, it involves seeing things in absolute terms. Example: You make a mistake at work and think “I never do anything right. I always find a way to screw up.”
Fortune Telling: Anticipating or expecting that something will turn out a certain way in the future, despite sufficient evidence to support it. Sorry, crystal balls don’t count. Example: “I just know I’m going to get passed up for the promotion this half.”
Shoulds/Musts: Thinking that things should (or should not) be a certain way. Example: “I should be able to solve my problems on my own. I must never make any mistakes.”
Catastrophizing: Focusing on only the worst, most harmful outcomes of a situation and blowing these outcomes out of proportion. Example: “If I don’t finish this project on time, my boss will be mad at me. Then I’ll be put on probation. Then I’ll get fired. I’ll have to move back in with my parents and I’ll be a miserable failure, and everyone will feel like I’ve let them down, including my dog.”
Magnification & Minimization: To magnify is to exaggerate the importance of something, and to minimize is to, well, minimize it. Example of Magnification: “I can’t believe I didn’t catch that typo on my PowerPoint presentation. It’s so embarrassing.” Example of Minimization: “It’s not that big of a deal that I got promoted. Everyone in this department who isn’t a total screw-up did.”
Mind Reading: Believing that you know what others are thinking and feeling despite lack of evidence. “My manager saw the typo on my PowerPoint presentation (see above). She thinks I’m a total idiot now.”
Personalization: Believing that you have control over others’ actions and behaviors. Example: “That guy in HR was so rude to me. Something I did must have rubbed him the wrong way.”
Disqualifying the Positive: Over-focusing on the negative aspects of something while under-focusing on the positive aspects. Example: getting a very positive performance review, but agonizing over the one criticism or area for improvement identified while minimizing all the positive feedback you received.
Labeling: Making a defining judgement about yourself or someone else as a whole, rather than focusing on specific behaviors. Example: “I felt too intimidated to send my meal back at the restaurant, even though the food was cold. I’m such a pushover.”
Overgeneralization: Making sweeping statements or interpretations about something based on only one or a few events. “I didn’t get the job I applied for. No one wants to hire me.”
Recognize your thinking in any of these?
If you are like most of my readers and struggle with anxiety or self-esteem issues, you will likely experience cognitive distortions that lend themselves to negative self-judgement, self-blame, and viewing yourself and/or circumstances in an unfavorable light.
But I do want to point out that the pendulum swings both ways. Sometimes cognitive distortions look like: “I always do everything right!” (All or Nothing Thinking), “I make more money, so I’m a winner and that guy’s a loser.” (Labeling) “My manager thinks that my presentation is the best he’s ever seen in his life.” (Mind Reading)
You can see how these kinds of cognitive distortions, though on the other end of the spectrum, can also be maladaptive.
Either way you swing it, these types of automatic thoughts are creating a distorted version of reality.
Fortunately, are tools you can use (in addition to mindfulness, of course) that can help you challenge your automatic thoughts. I’m going to be sharing one of them next week, allowing you to put the information from this week’s and last week’s post into action. Make sure to join my mailing list so you get notified right away.
In the meantime, I want you to spend this week practicing mindfulness – using myfree guided mindfulness meditation! – in order to notice when cognitive distortions are making appearances in your thoughts.
So which cognitive distortions do you just love to use? We all have our Old Faithfuls. Feel free to share yours in the comments below!