Inspired by a post from @real_laurenmarie
Related: Read my full article on Avoidant Attachment in Friendship here
Many people who love someone with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style feel torn between empathy for the avoidant person’s history and loyalty to their own emotional needs.
You may understand where the other person’s distancing comes from. You may even feel tenderness toward the younger version of them who learned to cope by shutting down, becoming self-reliant, or minimizing their own feelings.
And still…you deserve a relationship where you can breathe.
Below, I expand on each of the powerful reminders from Lauren Marie’s post. It is important to remember that these are basic relational nutrients that you are allowed and deserve to have in any healthy relationship.
1. “I need a relationship that calms my nervous system.”
Your body knows when it doesn’t feel safe in a relationship. When you’re with someone who routinely pulls away, shuts down, or becomes emotionally unavailable, your nervous system can stay stuck in fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.
A healthy relationship isn’t supposed to feel like chronic hypervigilance. Instead, it should help your body settle, allow your shoulders to drop, your breath to deepen, your thoughts to soften.
This is true even if another person’s avoidant patterns stem from their own wounds. Their story doesn’t invalidate your need for safety.
2. “I need a relationship where love feels safe, not stressful.”
When love starts feeling like a never-ending endurance test, it’s a sure sign that something is off.
If you’re constantly trying to decode mixed messages, feeling utterly confused, waiting for the other shoe to drop, or bracing for withdrawal, it means this relationship is tapping into fear rather than security.
You can understand why someone learned to protect themselves by retreating…and still say:
“I need love that feels like safety, not confusion.”
3. “I need a relationship where my emotions aren’t a burden.”
Dismissive-avoidant partners often learned early that emotions were “too much” so they devalue or distance from feelings…including yours.
But hear me out:
Your emotions are not “too much.” Your needs are not unreasonable. Your sadness is not a burden. Your joy is not embarrassing. And your vulnerability is not “too needy.”
In a healthy relationship, emotions are welcomed, not avoided or barely tolerated.
4. “I need a relationship where my pain isn’t dismissed.”
Avoidant partners may unintentionally minimize or intellectualize your feelings because that’s how they once survived. But when your pain is met with silence, detachment, or “You’re overreacting,” it can feel like a quiet form of abandonment, especially if you grew up with avoidant or dismissive caregivers and were told you were “too sensitive” or “making something out of nothing.”
We heal our attachment wounds through acknowledgment, been seen and heard. You deserve relationship with people who can stay present with your hurt without shutting down, getting defensive, or disappearing.
Even if your past wounded you, you have the opportunity to cultivate healing, restorative, transformative connections now.
5. “I need a relationship where words and actions match.”
Many avoidant partners say they care, but struggle to show it consistently. Although the inconsistency isn’t necessarily coming from a malicious place, it still wounds.
You are allowed to want congruence. Things like:
- Promises that are kept
- Tenderness that follows through
- Effort that matches intention
- Repair that isn’t just verbal but behavioral (talk is cheap!)
Explanations and intellectualizations alone won’t cut it. Attachment wounds are healed through stable, reliable, consistent connection.
6. “I need a relationship with depth and connection.”
When I talk about depth, I’m talking about responsiveness, mutuality, and real emotional presence that you can feel in your body. Depth is the willingness to go beyond surface-level interactions and actually build something with another person.
With therapeutic support and a self-directed willingness to reflect, a dismissive-avoidant person may learn to show up more deeply.
This does not mean, however, that you are required to sacrifice your own needs for a rich, emotionally reciprocal relationship while waiting for that growth to appear.
You’re allowed to want a partner/friend who meets you in the middle. You’re allowed to want intimacy, vulnerability, and a shared emotional life.
The Value of Holding Two Truths at Once
Here’s the truth. You can:
- empathize with someone’s attachment wounds
- understand why they protect themselves
- appreciate their good intentions
And still choose relationships that nourish you.
Learning that compassion does not require self-abandonment is one of the most powerful life lessons we can integrate.
Thank you for reading. If this spoke to you, you may also find some of my other articles helpful:
“I Got Ghosted. Now What?” How to Cope When Someone You Like Disappears
Avoidant Attachment in Friendship
Anxious Attachment in Friendship
Healing After a Breakup with an Avoidant Partner: Reclaiming Yourself
4 tools for healing anxious attachment
Healing from Traumatic Breakups: How EMDR Therapy Helps
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